I got my first response! Praise the lord! Even though he hates us all and is itching to smite us. Or at least thats what I got from the teachings of the Westboro Baptist
Cult Church. Don't know the WBC? Then take a moment to browse their websites:
priestrapeboys.com
Fun times. If you recall I asked slightly different questions then the ones Charles Manson and the others will receive. To recap here are the questions I asked:
1 - There are a lot of people you don't like. Is there a well known person who you really like and that is obeying the word of God?
2 - You're not a fan of the way America is run so who do you think should be elected president so they can steer the country in the right direction?
3 - What's your favorite bible passage?
4 - Like the story of Noah's Ark and how God flooded the earth in order to kill all the impure beings, do you think God should have another act like that or can people be taught his proper teachings?
5 - If you could create a new flavor of ice cream for Ben & Jerry's, what would it be called and what would be in it?
The WBC is the only letter I was confident in I was going to get a response because they get some weird religious boner telling people God is going to smote them. I was just hoping for a letter saying God was going to smote me personally. I opened the PO Box to find not 1 but 2 envelopes!
Praise Jesus!
Wait...it's just generic bullshit they send to everyone. Thats upsetting, I was hoping for a letter written in blood calling me a fag enabler. Guess Christmas won't come early this year. So I read through all the generic bullshit they sent me and realized...this isn't generic bullshit. These articles actually answer my questions. There are tons of articles on this
church on the internet and they hand selected certain ones to answer my questions. Nicely done WBC. Here are the links to each article they sent and I'll tell you my "favorite" parts to each:
Westboro Baptist Church Elder and Spokesman Talks Gays, God, and Obama
This article interviews documentary filmmaker turned
brainwashed church follower Steve Drain, who moved his family from Florida to Kansas because if you want to really test someones obedience to God, make them move to Kansas. He pretty much says all the churches in America are getting it wrong because most people can't pass the "giggle test of logic", meaning if you laugh at one thing in the bible, you're Hitlers best friend. Luckily Steve has some sort of mental issue that prevented him from giggling (or in most peoples case grabbing their head & 'saying "what the fuck!?)" when reading the churches beliefs, and saw God guiding him to the church.
Though one point I found interesting was his claim that "God Loves Everyone" is the biggest scripture error of all time. I guess this is true because if God did love everyone, then who would the poor WBC members picket? Straight marriages? Funerals of just regular shootings? They would have nothing to do but drink their Kool-aid all day. In fact, God hates pretty much everyone that does something to annoy him (even though he made man in his image and since main is full of sin God, therefore, must be full of sin himself but that's a discussion for another day). But if/when you mess up the only way to be forgiven is through Jesus's Blood (Possible flavor for Ben and Jerry's?) So from what I'm getting from this is the only way to be forgiven by God is to spill the blood of Jesus during his second coming? Good thing our sin of killing him will be forgiven when he bleeds out*.
*And that's one way to be taken off your grandparents will.
He goes on to say the bible says many things are sins, like homosexuality, divorce, and killing, and the punishment for these is the death penalty. (Remember if you giggle then you fail the logic test). But I guess if you're punishing someone for sinning then it's okay to murder them, because it's what God would have done? I'm starting to think their God is a little bi-polar.
But the best part is his suggestion for gay men who want to get into heaven. Ands it's pretty simple really. Try not to act on your urges but if you can't control those urges, then "get a piece of rusty Kansas barbed wire and lop your junk off with it" because it's what Jesus would want you to do. A few questions. 1) Does it have to be from Kansas? Living outside of Kansas it's hard to obtain barbwire that was made in Kansas. 2) If said homosexual didn't get a tetanus shot can they be exempt from the rusty part? If they really want to cure their gay urges then getting tetanus would not seem that fair. And Finally 3) WHAT THE FUCK DUDE?! That is all.
The Lamb (Parody of Bette Midler's The Rose)
Lyrics to follow along with.
Suck it Weird Al you ain't got nothing on the WBC! But really that song was just awful. Though I must give them credit for rhyming cause most people on their intelligence level are still learning to tie their shoes. Not too many things can rhyme with blood bath without making you sound deranged and mentally unstable...wait there isn't? Oh well.
The Path of Sorrow by William Cowper (who's greatest hits include Amazing Grace)
The path of sorrow, and that path alone
Leads to the and where sorrow in unknown,
No traveller e'er reached that blest abode,
Who found not thorns and briers in the road.
Worlds-lings may dance along the flowery plain,
Cheered as they go by many sprightly strain;
Where nature has her mossy velvet spread,
With unshod feet, they yet securely tread;
Admonished, scorn the caution and the friend,
Bent on all pleasure, heedless to its end;
But HE wo knew what human hearts would prove,
How slow to learn the dictates of HIS love,
That, hard by nature, and of stubborn will
A life of ease would make them harder still,
In pity to the souls HIS grace designed
To rescue from the ruins of mankind,
Called for a cloud to darken all their years,
And said "Go spend them in the vale of tears."
I'm not very good with poems (I'm still trying to figure out where the damn sidewalk ends) but I'll take a stab at this. After much reading I'm pretty sure it's about Splash Mountain and Br're Rabbit. Br'e Rabbit, being the only Br're Rabbit in the land, is sad and alone on his path of life. So one day he decides he must go to a place away from his thorns and brier patch home. The laughing place! It has flowers and cheering and is basically bent on pleasure, heedless to its end. But in his adventures he finds a dark cloud when Br're Fox and Br're Bear attempt to capture and eat him. And so Br're Rabbit throws them into his Briar patch and their tears make the waterfall we ride the log down Splash Mountain.
Hey, it makes more sense then what they probably think it means.
Here's a Compendium of Bible Truth about Sodomites (a work in progress):
This short and to the point letter is what you expect: A collections of "best of" verses about how much God hates Sodomites . What I don't get is all the hate on dogs? They're cute, loyal, and will protect you from intruders. So what if they eat their own vomit? That's just dogs being environmentally friendly. Dogs makes a mess, dog cleans the mess. They also eat random stuff all the time so really they are cleaning the Earth God feels is getting dirty. Have more respect.
And now a message from brainwashing, criminally and certifiably mentally unstable narcissist needs to just drink the kool-aid already cult leader Shirley Phelps-Roper.
Wait there's a quiz at the end? I wasnt prepared for this! Fiiiiine I'll answer your questions Mrs. Phelps-Roper but there better be a curve.
She does bring up an interesting point, though, with John 3:16. She says , like ol' rusty barbed wire Steve, most people only know the first half and misquote it all the time. "For God so loved the world the he gave his only begotten son". That's some commitment to showing you love everyone right? WRONG FAGS! You left out the second and most important part! "that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life." Whoa whoa whoa...everlasting life? So you're telling me if I believe in God and say thank you for making your son do the beginning of the YMCA dance on a cross I get to live forever?... Fuck dinosaurs I'm going to Kansas! Now wonder she's pissed that everyone forgot that second part. Shirley has discovered the fountain of youth and wants to share it with the world. What a nice lady.
On second thought, I'll take my chances with Flintstone vitamins.
So how will we know who's a sinner? Well luckily good ol' Shirley made us a list of people who are considered sinners. You got your typical murders, whoremongers, idolators (which include believing in Santa Clause), nonbelievers, liars, sorcerers which includes witchcraft, alcoholics and.....wait a minute? Drinking alcohol makes you a sorcerer? And I'm drinking a rum and coke right now?.... Jesus H. Tap-dancing Christ I'm a wizard! I knew it! I knew waving my hand stopped that cab because of magic! And vomiting in the backseat was just a side effect of my new found powers! After I'm done with with this blog I'm gonna chug that Captain Morgan handle and turn myself invisible so I can walk around Times Square naked!
I've saved the best for last. It was intense and I was on the edge of my seat the whole time. It's got the apocalypse, billions of people dying while the rest suffer before dying. Jesus is riding into town with his buddies, Red, Black, and Green, on their horses looking for revenge, It reads like a movie trailer! In fact.....
Thank you. I'm available for Sweet 16s and Bar Mitzvahs. But what I'm questioning is they say nearly 100% of churches in the US are wrong and are going to perish at the hands of cowboy Jesus. Those are some slim odds to be playing. They are betting they are the .000003% of churches that Jesus will say "I love the color pallet on your "Fags causes 9/11" signs. Okay you can come to heaven". But their actions are like trying to scoop the water our of the Titanic as it's sinking. It may help and save everyone or at least yourselves, but the odds are so slime you mind as well grab some rich guys fiancé and bang her in a car.
Now you see why I included them in my psychopath questionnaires? Speaking of which here is what I was able to conclude their answers would be from my questions.
1 - There are a lot of people you don't like. Is there a well known person who you really like and this is obeying the word of God?
Answer: We are kind of well known so us.
2 - You're not a fan of the way America is run so who do you think should be elected president so they can steer the country in the right direction?
Answer: Probably Fred Phelps.
3 - What's your favorite bible passage?
Answer: Lets go with John 3:16 since Shirley has such an attachment to it.
4 - Like the story of Noah's Ark and how God flooded the earth in order to kill all the impure beings, do you think God should have another act like that or can people be taught his proper teachings?
Answer: Cowboy Jesus is going to kill us all.
5 - If you could create one flavor of ice cream for Ben & Jerry's, what would it be called and what would be in it?
Answer: Only a guess but "The Blood Orange of Christ: Pure soul vanilla ice cream with blood oranges and a whole lot of nuts.""
That gave me a few giggles. I'm glad they answered my questions and it would only be courteous of me to answer Shirley's questions too. So here is my response letter:
Dear Westboro Baptist Church,
I recently sent you a questionnaire in hopes you would give me some answers and I'm very happy you responded. You sent mostly articles and sermons but from those I was able to find my answers, so thank you. I noticed though in the letter written by Shirley Phelps-Roper about is the misconception of "John 3:16" that she asked questions at the end of it. So as a courtesy for answering my questions I will answer yours:
1) What do you think Christ meant at Luke 18:8...Nevertheless when the Son of man cometh, shall he find faith on earth?
A) Obviously it's asking if Christ will find faith on earth when he returns to earth. Judging from your teachings that answer is no because, according to you, there is sin everywhere. Of course he might see your church and compliment you on the color pallet of your "Fags causes 9/11" signs and elevate you to heaven. Then again he could just kill you with the rest of humanity but hey why try, right?
2) If God loves all humans, what about Esau?
A) Trick question! God does not love all humans (do I get bonus points?) But for Esau God did not love him because God chose to hate him before he was born. That seems unfair. Abortions are forbidden because you're kill a fetus that hasn't done anything wrong yet. So if God knows the unborn child is going to be a sinner and do something terrible, like adultery or believe in Santa Claus, are we, as his followers, allowed to give the child the death penalty through abortion? I know abortions are forbidden but it would technically be following Gods word? That way humanity will look a little more faithful when Christ returns. Think about.
3) Does God love those people who he daily torments in hell?
A) Okay this one is common sense (Def: Sound and prudent judgment based on a simple perception of the situation or facts). If God loved them then why would he send them to hell? And if he did love them, then I don't even want to know what he does to people he doesn't love. I have a feeling rusty barbed wire is involved. That reminds me! I found the interview with Steve Drain rather interesting and I do have a question for him (or anyone who knows the answer). He said homosexuals who can't control their urges should lop off their junk with a piece of rusty Kansas barbwire. My question is most people don't live in Kansas so where can one obtain Kansas barbed wire? Would you be able to send me some so there is something available to those in my area who wish to do as Steve instructed?
Thank you and I hope you write back again.
Jimmy Mauro
I realize asking for barbed wire for people to castrate themselves with is really, really, really, really messed up, but I just want to see if they are just even more disturbed that they will actually send me some. For the sake of cowboy Jesus I hope they don't.
