Time Portal To 1952 Opens After DOMA Ruled Constitutional

Since my pen pal project to Charles Manson is on hold indefinitely I've decided to post the random writing prompts I do for practice. They are mostly Onion type articles so hope you like them.

(Oh and I'm not sure how the whole copyright thing works so please don't be swipe these like Swiper. Swiper's a dick)


WASHINGTON - Moments after the Supreme Court ruled the Defense of Marriage Act constitutional, an interdimensional portal leading to 1952 materialized outside the national courthouse, reports today confirmed.

"There was this bright flash of light that momentarily blinded me," said Wendy Roth, a demonstrator supporting DOMA, which restricts federal marriage benefits only to opposite-sex marriages. "When I regained sight I just saw this glowing, circular opening."

"After a moment a man wearing a fedora and an 'I Like Ike' pin walked through the opening," Mrs. Roth continued. "Only then did I realize my dreams were coming true."

The Defense of Marriage Act, which states marriage is only a legal union between a man and a woman, was signed into law by President Clinton in 1996 but has faced criticism in recent years for excluding same-sex couples. Approximately two and a half minutes after Chief Justice John Roberts announced the law acts well with-in the Constitution, the vibrant passageway manifested below the 'Authority of Law' statue.

"It was absolutely surreal," says Tony Hunt, who was in a passionate embrace with his boyfriend in front of the 'One Million Moms' protesters at the time of the portal's opening. "We didn't know what to do. It was bad enough with the Supreme Court's decision, but an entryway to the 50s? Now we'll definitely never get another chance to destroy the sanctity of marriage."

Police officers rushed to the doorway-though-time, described as an illuminated hole approximately seven feet in diameter which continues to slowly expand, to secure the area. Simultaneously, police enforcement on the other side of the doorway also converged on the area, pistols drawn. After a few tense moments, officers on both sides saw no threat and began shaking hands and sharing information about their respective times.

"It was wonderful when we found out about the future," said Sergeant Andrew Mulligan of the 1952 DCPD. "We thought the world's ideology would have changed immensely, but we were so relieved our views have remained intact for 61 years."

"It's thrilling to hear our future colleagues say that even though laws were passed making segregation illegal, no one takes those seriously," added Mulligan. "Even with a negro president."

Most residents, both past and present, said they find it a relief people can travel though time and have little to worry about their views being in jeopardy.

"What has changed?" says Robert Anderson, a reporter from The Washington Times in 1952. "America is still preserving the true meaning of marriage and we're almost at war an Asian fellow named Kim in North Korea."

"Yes, there are groundbreaking advances in technology and life expectancy has risen." Anderson continued. "But I'm proud to hear America's core values have not progressed in any way."

At press time, Justice Elena Kagan was told by past spectators she looked silly trying to make the decisions of a man, and that they expect dinner at six.